My Crushing Feelings
by If-Only-In-A-Dream
Summary: Dr. Cox is having a hard time avoiding Elliot because he's starting to realize he has feelings for her. Will he tell her? Or will he just show her?
1. Chapter 1

"Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox. Perry!"

"Hm?" I was yanked out of my reverie by the gravelly voice of none other than Dr. Bob Kelso. "Whatever it is there, Bobbo, I'm sure my answer will always be the same." I turned on my heel and started to stalk away from the chief of medicine.

"And what would that be, Perry?"

"'Kindly blow it out your ass.' As always, glad to be of assistance." I sneer.

"Well, as stimulating as that new development of yours is, Perry, I need to speak with you about your treatment of your colleagues."

Intrigued, I turned around and faced Kelso. I tapped my nose and crossed my arms before regarding him. "I'm not sure I have any colleagues, Bob. There's you, and well now, wouldn't ya know that's just one big disappointment, hm? In between your morning, mid-morning, afternoon, mid-afternoon and right-before-you-leave-work nap," I tick them off on my fingers, "there's not much you do around here besides steal countless muffins from the nurses' muffin basket, which I gotta tell ya Bobbo," I lean in close and stage-whisper, "they're on to you." He turns his head to the side and there is a flank of nurses glaring pointedly at him, empty muffin basket on the counter in front of them. He rolls his eyes and turns back to me, clearly disaffected.

"Shall I go on about my other so-called, 'colleagues'?" I raise my hands and air-quote the word colleagues mockingly. "Dorothy there is just a ruffle skirt away from being a real live girl and seems to be clueless as how to behave like he's got a pair." J.D. comes floating by the nurse's station, twirls, and then settles against the counter with a dramatic sigh.

"Carla, would it be strange if I said I wished I were a ballerina?" He flutters his eyes, his head cocked to the side.

"Of course not, Bambi. I think you would make a great ballerina." Carla smiles indulgently at J.D. while handing him his patient charts.

I raise my eyebrows at Kelso. Point made. "Ghandi there thinks he is just God's gift to, well, pretty much anyone and anything. He is nothing more than a scalpel jockey and a disgrace to this hole of a hospital we work in." I turn my narrowed eyes to the black doctor entering.

Turk slides up to Carla, flashes his cocky grin, and fixes her with a stare. "Whasuuuup?" As if to emphasize my point (that he is unaware he is making) he sticks his tongue out and waggles his eyebrows at Carla as he's uttering his catch phrase. "My baby need her hourly dose of the Turk Love?" Carla places a chaste kiss on his lips to humor him and then walks off to a patient's room. "Yeah, you guys know what I'm talkin' about!" Turk announces to the room, refusing to be daunted by Carla's hasty exit, and stalks off.

"And let us not forget about our other colleague: Dr. Barbie." As if on cue she comes storming into the room with a coffee stain spreading over her blue scrubs.

"Frick! Why does Doug always have to leave a body unattended in front of the elevator every day?" She whines as she wipes at the dark stain.

"Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd our fine doctors of Sacred Heart. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, good night!" I aim the last part of this statement at Kelso as I do a victory shake of my arms above my head and slowly trot past him.

"We're not done, Perry!" Kelso yells at my retreating back. I continue on regardless. As I make it around the corner, I drop my arms and hunt out the nearest on-call room. It's been one hell of a night shift and I'm looking forward to a couple of winks of sleep, if that is at all possible.

I open the door and let out a sigh of relief. Empty. Shutting the door, I make my way over to the farthest bunk and crawl onto it cautiously. Damn, am I getting that old? I have to crawl into bed _cautiously?_ Gone are the days of flopping into bed and falling asleep as soon as my head crashes onto the pillow; now I have to lay myself down nice and easy so as not to upset my back. I growl internally in frustration and ease down.

With nothing but the back of my eyelids and the gentle strum of the air conditioning to entertain me, my thoughts drift back to my reverie I was in the midst of when Kelso interrupted me…

_Beep beep beep. The incessant sound of my pager was going off and flashing on it was Code White 334. The little boy, Dr. Barbie's patient in room 334, was coding. I drop the patient chart I'm holding and start to run. Who knows if Barbie has pulled herself together enough to actually answer one of her code pages? I enter the room to a hustle of activity; Nurse Roberts was lowering the bed while Carla was preparing an intubation kit for the first doctor on the scene, which surprisingly enough, is Barbie. I rush to the bedside and take over for a nurse administering the chest compressions. _

"_Quick, Barbie! Intubate him before we lose him!" I bark at her. She fumbles with the tube and yelps as she drops it. Carla quickly grabs another one from the tray beside her. Just as Barbie wraps her fingers around it I yank it from her grip. "Carla, take over for me." Carla replaces my hands with hers and starts hand compressions on his small chest. Jesus. The kid can't be more than 7 years old. _

_Barbie stands frozen in shock and I have to yell to get her out of my way. Like I have time for this. "Get out of the way, Barbie! If you're not going to put on your big girl panties and be the doctor you're supposed to be, then get the hell out of my room!" Shock registers on her face and tears start to pool in her eyes. _

_I turn my attention to the faltering boy in front of me and intubate him as fast as I can. Carla hands me the pump and I attach it, sending steady breaths into his lungs as she times her compressions to his chest. Looking at his monitor, I see his stats regulating, returning to normal. I sigh in relief and hand the pump over to a nurse so they can handle the next steps._

_I glance up and notice Barbie's not around. I sneer and begin to look for the closest supply closet. I come across one in a couple of strides and stop to listen. Sure enough I hear sniffling coming from inside. I yank open the door to a startled Elliot and step in, closing the door behind me._

"_For God's sake, Barboo, you're a doctor now, for crying out loud, not an intern. What the hell happened to you in there?" My words have the opposite effect of what I wanted (an answer) and she starts crying miserably, not bothering to wipe her eyes. She turns away from me, hiccupping in between sobs. _

"_J-just le-eave me alone, Dr. Cox." I roll my eyes, not pretending to even consider what she said. I turn her around to face me._

"_Stop crying. Barbie, I'm serious. You stop it. Barbie—" When her tears don't seem to be on the verge of stopping anytime soon I try another tactic. I tuck my hand under her chin and tilt her face up until her eyes begrudgingly meet mine. My voice is serious and soft. _

"_Listen, Elliot," Her eyes widen at my use of her real name, "We've all had our moments like you did in there. Just because you froze up does not mean you're a bad doctor, it means you had a bad moment and acted as such. Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?" I stare a beat longer into her blue eyes. Her eyes flash and I feel my breath intake quickly. In direct opposition of my thundering heartbeat, I slowly lower my face down to hers. I gently place my mouth against her tear stained lips. An electric current passes from her lips to mine. I jerk back and—_

—wake up with a jolt. Confused, I glance around at my surroundings. White walls. Concrete. Metal bed. On-call room, realization dawns on me. Confusion takes over again. When the hell did my memory turn into a dream? Wait, when did I even fall asleep? Damn, I must have drifted off while thinking of the encounter from yesterday.

I blearily rub my eyes, thinking. I remember comforting Barbie in the supply closet, but there sure as hell wasn't a kiss. Even if it was as magnetic as it was in my dream…I absentmindedly touch my lips with my fingers, the remembrance of the kiss from my dream sending a chill down my spine.

I shake myself visibly, forcing the fog from my dream to clear and my mind to wake up more. Oh God. I was not, not, na-_hawt_ thinking of Barbie in that way…right? No. Of course not. I stand up quickly, remembering too late that there is a bed above my head as I crash into it with a loud _thunk!_ Cursing I fall back to the bed with a thud and a spasm shoots up my spine. Damn this growing older business.

The door swings open sharply, revealing the star of my dream herself. "Dr. Cox? Sorry to wake you, but one of your patients is asking for you and I didn't know what to—are you okay?" She takes notice of me rubbing my head and holding my back simultaneously as I hobble to the door.

"Fine." I growl, brushing past her as I exit the on-call room. I glance down at my watch. Barely an hour's sleep. Another shift with Barbie today? I grit my teeth and keep walking; even if it kills me I will get through this day without thinking about her once. Or…anymore than I have already. Damn. This is going to be a long shift.


	2. My Indulgence

Chapter 2

I scrub my hand down my face. Twenty minutes into my shift—my not thinking about Barbie shift—and I catch myself looking at her, arguing with J.D. Usually my eye twitches and I'm forced to growl out an angry response to their immature bickering, but the words are caught in my throat as my eyes fall on her mouth. For the second time today I shake myself and force my gaze back down to the patient chart in my hand.

I hear a frustrated huff in front of me and glance incrementally above the clipboard. Barbie is leaning against the same counter as me with her head in her arms. "Dr. Cox," I hear her whine from between her arms. She lifts her head and looks at me. "Does it ever get hard to work with an ex? I mean, you work with Jordan right? Does she ever just—"

"I'm gonna cut ya off right there, Barbareenie. I am not your confidante. I am not your friend. And by golly, I certainly am not your sweet dolly Jackie who just listens to every small complaint you have about your girlfriend Vivian over there treating you like you just don't exist." I break off my mini-rant with a grimace and push past her, ignoring the look of hurt indignation settling on her face.

Must. Get. Away. I kick myself internally. Why do I have to be such an ass to her? I mean, sure, she's insufferable, but just about everyone in this dump is; if not more-so. I know what it is; I just don't want to admit it. _She's gotten to you… _Nags away in my head; whispering in my ear as I storm down the hallway. Newbie stands facing me, arms stretched out.

"Come here, big guy. You look like you could use a hug!" His goofy grin spreads across his features. Sighing angrily, I speed up my walk so that when I bump into him, the force knocks him onto his goofy ass. "Okay…maybe later then…" J.D. gurgles from his place on the floor. I press on.

"Oh sure, Elliot. Just step over me as if I'm not even here! Is this payback for me ignoring you this morning?!" I hear Jessica yell behind me, deducing he is still on the ground and, oh God, Barbie is heading my way. I speed up even more. If I could just find a closet, anything. I am not one to hide, but this is one conversation I do not want to have.

"Dr. Cox!" Her shrill voice sends a spark down to my feet and I'm nearing a jog at this point. I dash into an open door and slam it behind me.

"Hey! Occupado, pal!" I look at the Janitor, lazing in his boxers and uniform top on an empty patient bed, flipping through the channels. "I feel I get my best work done after a couple of hours of relaxing and watching T.V." He says in my direction in explanation.

I growl and regard him with narrowed eyes, "Ahh, get out, will ya?" For once someone listens to me today and he gets up, pulls on his pants, and stalks to the door.

"Think you can take my room without paying for it? Mind you, buddy, this isn't the end." The Janitor menacingly points his finger as he opens the door and backs slowly through it, the door inching closed. He doesn't pull his finger out in time and the door is blocked. He throws the door back open, smiling jovially. "Well that just threw off the whole menacing exit, doesn't it? Mind if I try that again?" I shrug my shoulders in acquiescence and his face slips back into a glare, exiting in the same fashion as before. This time the door shuts with a click, sans finger.

I sigh, turning my back on the door. I hear it start to open. "Ah come on, Janitor! That exit was perfect! Just leave me alone, hm?" I swivel back around to be faced with Barbie. I mutter under my breath. "Perfect indeed."

"You know, Dr. Cox, you can't just talk to me any way you want! You may hate me and may not like to talk to me, much like most of my ex-boyfriends--but that's a different story for another time—" I stare at her expectantly and she rambles back to her main point, "But I just don't understand what it is I've done to make you hate me _so much_." Her voice breaks at the end and she closes her eyes fast, seeming to hold her tears at bay.

I soften a little on the inside, remembering the supply closet, but on the outside I bristle. "What can I say, Barbie? Ya just rub me the wrong way." I flinch at the sexual innuendo that pops into my head. I'm surprised The Todd hasn't heard this comment and jumped in the room to tell us his dirty joke unwarranted.

She walks closer to me and I catch the sweet, tangy scent of her perfume as it wafts up to my nose. My eyelids flutter a little at the intoxication of the smell. Jesus she smells good. And her short hair is bobbing slightly; I notice for the first time she's shaking in front of me.

"You just don't give a shit about anyone in this place but yourself, do you? You're such a selfish bastard, damn if I know what it is J.D. sees in you." She puffs out a breath of air and her bangs flutter feebly to the side of her forehead. Try as she might those damn bangs won't stray far from her eyes. Her eyes; they're flashing in anger and I'm instantly transported back to my dream.

I blame it on my sleep-deprived stage. I blame it on the bump I sustained to my head earlier; it knocked any sense I had right out of me. I blame it on the trail of her perfume, beckoning me forward with an invisible finger. I lunge toward Barbie and kiss her, my hands roughly landing on the side of her face, my fingers curling at the back of her neck, pulling her into the kiss.

I feel her body stiffen; rigid with shock. As the seconds tick by, she softens under my fingertips and I feel her lips moving ever so slightly. I groan slightly and push her up against a wall. She squeaks and giggles a little against my lips. I pull away from her and look at her questioningly.

"I'm sorry, I giggle when I'm nervous…Dr. Cox, what are you—" I cut her off with another kiss, determined to ride this moment through. She responds with equal enthusiasm, her nerves forgotten. She nips at my lower lip, asking permission for her tongue to enter my mouth and swirl around my own.

Wait. What am I doing? What was all this about forgetting about her, and trying to make it through this shift without thinking of her anymore? But her lips are so soft…and she's kissing me like she did in my dream. Snap out of it! I growl and push away from the wall, leaving her gasping for air, her eyes glazed slightly.

"What…um, what's wrong, Dr. Cox?" Elliot walks up to me but I flinch away from her touch. I won't let these stupid feelings control me. I'm a grown man for Christ's sake! I can keep away from her, as long as she doesn't back me into a room again…

"Mention this to anyone, and I'll end you." I scowl at her as I walk heavily to the door. Opening it, I feel a whoosh of air hit my face and I can breathe again, the scent of her perfume left in the room with her. I close the door behind me and lean back against it for a moment. God I'm such an idiot. But I don't care what feelings are cropping up, I won't go down that road. It's _Dr. Barbie_ for crying out loud! I push away from the door with a huff and walk toward the locker rooms. Cold shower for you, Perry.


	3. My Realization

Chapter 3

Stepping out of the extremely cold shower, very alert and cooled off, I began to dry myself off with my towel. I wrap the towel around my waist and walk to the mirror and a counter of sinks. I brush my hand through my wet curls, deep in thought. _She nips at my lower lip, asking permission for her tongue to enter my mouth and swirl around my own…_Damn it, Per! You just got a cold shower to forget about that giant, big mistake, and now you're going to get worked up about it all over again? Geeze, why is she invading my thoughts so much now? What's changed? I've always barely tolerated her these past four years and yet recently she's just been so…irresistible? I scoff out loud at this thought. Maybe it's the makeover she had not too long ago. Well, she looked absolutely ridiculous right after; no doctor should be wearing makeup like the lovely streetwalkers posted on every corner.

But after she toned it down…and she's started to come in to her own as a doctor. And she's standing up to me, which commands a hell of a lot of respect from me, that's for certain. It might be when Elliot showed that she was such a capable doctor; so good at emergency situations _and_ diagnosing. Hell, why should I care about that? Alright, despite the fact that I must have…_feelings_…for Elliot, I just need to brush them off and just go home. Even though I could've sworn I'd just worked a 12 hour shift with Dr. Barbie, I was walking out of the hospital after a regular five hour shift.

I step into my apartment, breathing a sigh of relief at my own place after a day and a half of working. Triple shifts are nobody's friend.

"Perry, is that you?" Shit. Jordan. How could I have been so stupid as to kiss Elliot when me and Jordan's relationship has been so good lately? Jordan comes out of our room with Jack on her hip, her eyebrows arched. "Here I thought you were never going to come home. Jack has been wondering if his daddy has died. Can't say I'm too happy about that thought crossing our son's mind. Been telling Jacky any stories about the hospital, Per?" She hands Jack over to me and I throw him up the air, and then nuzzle my nose against his.

"Whacha say there, Jacky boy? You been giving your mommy there a hard time?"

"Yes sir!" Jacky smiles and claps his hands.

"Good boy, just like I told you." I flash a grin at Jordan and find she's glaring at me. I put Jack down and slap him lightly on the bottom. "Go on to your room Jack. Me and your mommy are going to want a little alone, grown up time." Jack grins and starts running for his room, probably heading right to his blocks.

"Ahh, you want some 'grown up time' with me, do you?" Jordan smiles lasciviously at me and starts sashaying my way. My body instantly responds. I embrace her and accept her kiss.

Okay, this is how it's supposed to be. I should be kissing the mother of my child, the woman living with me. But I can't help to compare the kiss I had just earlier this day to this kiss. It's just lacking…fire. That's what my kiss with Elliot had; passion.

Jordan pulled back and looked at me questioningly. "What's up, Per? You aren't kissing like usual. And I see that my clothes are still on and I am still standing. What's wrong with you?"

I scoff and shift uncomfortably. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just…distracted. I've had such a long night and rough morning; I'm just tired is all." My eyes kept flicking around the room, not looking at her.

"You…oh my god, you have a crush! You acted exactly this way when you had your little crush on that dark haired intern, and that Dr. Miller just last week. You really just can't settle in to our relationship, can you? Well you know what, Per Per? You just go ahead and play out your little fantasy. Just tell me, who is it?"

I just walk away from her and straight to the liquor cabinet. "Hm. That bad, huh? Well you know what, Perry? You do what you want and just let me know when you're over your tryst. Jack and I need to go visit my mom, anyway." I pour myself a big glass of scotch and walk over to the couch and sit down silently. Jordan came over, leans down and gives me a small kiss on the lips, then walk into her room to start packing. She does this. She figures out I have a crush and she just…accepts it. I don't get it. I mean, we are by no means strictly faithful to each other, but she's cut down on her dating since we got divorced.

Hugs and kisses goodbye later, I was left alone in the apartment with my bottle of scotch and a taped basketball game I've been itching to watch. Life was perfect. Any thoughts of Elliot flew out of my head and were replaced by the game I was fully involved in watching. Until a knock on the door sounded. Oh God, is it Elliot? Did she come by for another kiss? This is just too much for one day.

Slowly I pulled myself off of the couch and shuffle unwillingly toward the door, trying to subdue the panic and…the excitement?...I was feeling. I was like a freaking school girl with a crush. Looking into the peep hole I felt my stomach drop slightly. Not Elliot. This was not relief flooding me but just a slight sense of disappointment. Immediately replaced by immense agitation.

"Nobody's home, Newbie!" I yell at the door, moving back to the couch.

"Come on, Dr. Cox! I just wanted to come by and talk, man to man!"

"Not possible, Sally."

"Because you don't want to talk?"

"That, and also, you're a woman. So technically it'd be man to woman. And I'm not in the mood for a tea party so I'd appreciate it if you'd skip on home there, Shirley."

I heard a key enter my door knob and I look up sharply in surprise to J.D. entering my door with a key in his hand. "How'd you get that key, Newbie?" I growl angrily.

"One never reveals one's secrets." J.D. says.

"Did you steal my keys at work and get them copied?" I get up and stalk over to J.D., yanking my key out of his hand.

"I must say, your Porsche is a delight to drive around." J.D. grins at me.

"You better be kidding there, Newbie, or so help me…" I menacingly get in J.D.'s face.

J.D. gulps and fishes out a key in his pocket, holding it up to me with shaking hands, "Completely. But, here's a key you might want back."

I take my Porsche key out of his hand and growl at him again. "Get out." I walk back to my couch, not bothering to kick him out personally. Instead of leaving, he shuts the door behind him and walks over to the couch and sits down beside me. "Not on your life, Becky."

He promptly gets up and moves to the chair next to the couch. He looks at me with a sincere look. Oh God, he's going to try and have a heart to heart with me…"Perry, I want to have a heart to heart with you." Exactly. Just perfect. Not something I need today.

"And what makes you think I want to talk to you, Betsy?" I rumble, taking a sip of my scotch and wincing, my lips stretching back over my teeth. It burned all the way down. Just how I like it.

"I just wanted to know what's going on with you. Elliot said" I wince at the name, "that you were being…weird and a little, well, a little meaner than usual to her." I look at him sharply.

"How would that be any of your business?" I snap a little more aggressively and defensive than I planned. Get a grip. Don't give away your feelings, Perry. Swallow and repress, just like you've always done.

"I just don't want Elliot to get hurt. Anytime she's gotten into a relationship she seems to always end up getting hurt somehow and—"

"Stop right there, J.D. Relationship? What the hell are you talking about?" My palms start to sweat. I wasn't being _that_ obvious was I?

"Come on, Dr. Cox. You've been my mentor for four years now—" J.D. held up a hand to cut me off since I opened my mouth to object, "so I know you pretty well. And I also know Elliot. And ever since you two disappeared together this morning, she's been acting all…different."

"What do you mean, different?" I croak, not wanting to ask, but needing to know.

"She'd be smiling one second, then immediately frown. She even teared up when Carla asked her why she was daydreaming at one point, and she never daydreams! That's what I do." J.D. finishes, a little indignant.

"Okay, we're done sharing our feelings now. OUT." I point at the door.

J.D. pouts, "But you didn't share your—" I cut J.D. off with a glare and point at the door again. He sulks over to the door, casting puppy dog eyes at me. I just keep pointing at the door, ignoring his look. He steps out and shuts the door behind him with a soft click.

When did he become so damn perceptive? He was usually so wrapped up in his own damn daydreams that he barely has time for his patients, let alone pay attention to his surroundings. For the second time that day I scrub my hand down my face, frustrated. Time to pay a visit to the hospital.


	4. My Confrontation

Thanks for all the reviews guys!! I was thinking about reading tonight but then I was like, people want an installment, give them an installment! I appreciate the nice words 

Chapter 4

I pull into the parking lot of Sacred Heart a little faster than I'd intended, my tires screeching slightly. I nod to Leonard at the security stand and suppress a shudder at the hook he waves back at me. I park my car hastily and get out, slamming the door none too softly. I take a second to check my reflection in my window. Tight blue shirt, blue jeans, scowl; yup, all there.

I walk briskly into the hospital, determined to grill Barbie and figure out what the hell was going on between us. Reflexively, like a knee jerk reaction, I scowl and curse at the thought of Barbie. And to think I might…_like_ her? Oh for Pete's sake.

I was just a jumble of nerves, buzzing around the hospital looking for her. I hadn't been this nervous about talking to a girl since high school. Sheesh. I walk up to the nurse's station where Carla usually works. Sure enough I spot the Dominican nurse, gorgeous curly hair tumbling around her shoulders, angelic mouth pursed in concentration while examining a chart. I lost myself for a moment. Married. Unavailable. In love. Off limits.

I mentally go over my list of words that I have to remind myself of every time I see Carla. Pushing through these thoughts, I approach Carla. "Ah, Carla. Just the nurse I wanted to see." I flash her a toothy smile and get a suspicious look in return.

"Okay. What do you want? Your smile is creeping me out." Carla continues to stare at me as if her eyes could break me…and they could.

"I just wanted to know where Dr. Barbie was." At this Carla gives me a funny look. "Because she's just slacking off completely. I went to check on her patients and they don't even know who she is! I don't even think she's been in the rooms all day! I mean, for God's sake, Carla, someone needs to tell her that this is just not acceptable!" I bark out a nervous laugh, trailing off awkwardly.

"On call room. Don't know, don't care." God bless her, she just turns her eyes back down to the chart she was looking at when I walked up. I give a brief nod she doesn't see and amble off to the on call room. Amble being to operative word since I'm not too eager to face her.

What is it that I want to talk to her about? I need to know why she followed me into the room; if it was just to stand up to me in that cute way of hers, or if she was looking for something else…I need to know why she kissed me back. Does she feel the same way about me? I mean, I think I have feelings for her, even if they are all jumbled up in my brain, part of my brain denying their existence and the other part probing them tenderly, trying to figure out the extent of them.

Extent as in do I just want to bed her and then ignore her? I angrily brush that thought aside, realizing from the anger building in me I don't want that to happen to her; I _won't_ let it happen to her. I mean, she bugs the hell out of me, but I sure do respect her. As I noted before, she's really come into her own as a doctor. Okay, if I don't want a one night stand from her, what do I want? A…relationship? I cringe, knee jerk reaction kicking in again.

As a Cox, I have been trained to hate everyone, keep every person at arm's length and degrade anyone who tries to breach that space. So accordingly, a relationship with a woman is not something I'm exactly comfortable with. I had a relationship with Jordan, and sometimes it was nice. We had moments of tenderness, but the bickering was so sweet that it made up for those awkward moments.

Without realizing it, I had arrived in front of the on call room. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize I had walked all the way to this door, the door in which Elliot was behind. _Tell 'im what's behind Door Number One, Bob! A pain in the ass, drop dead gorgeous Dr. Barbiiiieeeee_.

I shove out my random dialogue, feeling like J.D. with his fantasies for a moment, and knock on the door. Uh, mistake number one. No one knocks on the on call room doors and I want to seem like my normal self, not a love sick puppy. So instead of waiting for an answer I push it open and enter, eyes casting about for a short, blonde bob. Blonde hair spotted. Elliot was lying on the bottom bunk, farthest away from the door.

I mentally pull up my boot straps and walk toward her. She was sleeping. And oh my God if she wasn't a sight to see. Her lips were slightly parted in the way of sleeping people, and they were letting out soft sighs. She was curled up on her side, facing me, one hand curled up under her side and the other curled under her pillow. She wasn't covered with a blanket since doctors usually don't have the luxury to get comfortable when lying in the on call room. You collapse and hope for at least five minutes reprieve before your pager goes off or a nurse pops her head in, rousing you from rest.

I sit down gently on the bed opposite her and just watch her for a moment. I reach over to gently rock her awake, but my hand is stopped by the word she softly breathes out. "Perry…" I freeze, thinking she has woken up and is asking what I'm doing there. But I realize her voice is crystal clear, not groggy, which means she was talking in her sleep.

I wait in anticipation to see if she says anything else, but instead her lips twitch. Not twitch like she was smiling, but twitches as in she was…kissing someone in her sleep. My breath catches in my throat and I feel my own lips tugging up in a small smile. She was dreaming about kissing me? I let my hand continue over to her face and stroke her cheek gently.

"Dr. Reid!" A nurse's voice booms into the room as the door flies open. Elliot and I both jump and her face settles on mine in confusion, probably wondering if it was I who woke her. Her head snaps to the door when the nurse speaks again. "Dr. Reid, we need you in Room 343 for a-" The nurse looks to the side as if someone is talking to her. "Oh, well never mind. Sorry, Doctor. We've got it covered." She closes the door as abruptly as she had opened it.

My eyes drift back to look at Elliot, rubbing her eyes sleepily. "Dr. Cox? What are you doing in here? Were you waking me up to help with that call?" Her eyes open fully and she takes in my outfit. "Don't you have the night off?"

"Uh, yeah, I do. Listen, Barbie-ah, Elliot. I thought maybe we should talk. You know, about…earlier." My voice softens and I hate myself for it. Her eyes widen and she sits up a little straighter.

"Oh, um, okay." She says falteringly, waiting for me to begin.

I take in a deep breath to steady my nerves, my heart pumping away like the flutter of a hummingbird's wings. Damn, calm down, Perry. "I just needed to know, why did you follow me? Into the patient's room today, I mean."

Instead of a vehement denial in response, I look to Elliot to see a thoughtful look across her face. "I was angry at you for talking to me like that, because I was just talking to J.D. about how I felt…about you." A small blush creeps up her face. "He ignored me, of course. I don't know what I expected from him. I thought he would act like my friend instead of a jealous ex, but I guess that's what he is, so…" She trails off at the look on my face, "What?" She asks.

"I'm going to ignore that you said you talked to Joanna about me…about us, and just focus on the fact that…you feel something for me?" I couldn't help the spread of the confused expression on my face, and I was vaguely aware that this might come across to her as me being an ass and refusing her feelings. Sure enough a hurt look flickers across her face briefly. "Not to say that I…that I don't feel that way about you. I just needed to come and talk to you about-" I was cut off by a movement from her bed.

She stands up abruptly and crosses the small space between us, sitting on my lap and closing the gap between our lips as well. Her eagerness is apparent in this kiss, and no nervous giggling was to be found. My hands absentmindedly grip her hips and I pull her closer to me, my mouth meshing with hers. I feel her hips rock against me and all coherent thought left my mind. I flip her and hurl her body down onto the bed I was sitting on, on top of her in a flash.

Instead of kissing her again, I look at her. "Forgive me for sounding like the girl here, but what does this mean?"

Her doe eyes, blue as the ocean water and breathtaking, look up at me and stated matter of fact: "I followed you into the room mainly because I wanted to know why you were intent on torturing me, when I knew you liked me." This gave me pause. I sit up.

"You knew? _I _didn't even know, how did you know?" I could feel the incredulous look inching onto my face.

"Oh please, I kept catching you staring at me constantly, and when you wouldn't yell at me after, I realized you weren't watching to see if I made a mistake; you were just watching." I grimace at her words. I was really that obvious?

"And you also started coming down on me a lot harder. I noticed it reached a fever pitch today, after you consoled me in the supply closet so recently." Her eyes suddenly darken with remembrance…and lust.

My voice grows husky. "Whacha thinkin' about there, Barbie?"

She licks her lips unconsciously and looks at me. "I was picturing that scene in the supply closet going a different way…" She trails off, her hand slipping up my shirt. I groan and shut my eyes tight.

"Oh, my bad...Eliot?" The door opens, again, and Ghandi was standing in the doorway, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Damn it, why did I forget to lock that damn door? "Dr. Cox?!" It felt as if a bucket of ice water was thrown on us, the intensity of the moment forgotten as we scramble to our feet guiltily.

"You better have a damn good reason for interrupting us, Ghandi." I growl menacingly. This was going to be fun, I could just tell.


	5. My Relationships

Chapter 5

"You better have a damn good reason for interrupting us, Ghandi." I growled menacingly. Turk just stood and gaped for a moment before he snapped back to himself, his mouth snapping shut along with him.

"I'm sorry; I was just coming in to lie down for a minute. I guess I should have knocked." Turk looked embarrassed for a minute and I scoffed.

"No one knocks, Ghandi, don't be an idiot." While I was talking Elliot had moved to the other side of the room and started to walk out the door. Halfway through she stopped and looked at me. I shivered. I could feel the heat coming from her eyes this far away. She left me and Ghandi alone.

"So. You and Elliot, huh?" Recovering from the shock, Turk's cocky smile slipped back onto his face and he waggled his eyebrows.

"Like that's possibly any of your business." I sat down heavily on the bed, my head dropping into my hands. Wanting to appear vulnerable or not to Ghandi, I still needed time to sit and think. Even though it seemed simple (I liked her, she liked me _and w_e had great sexual chemistry) I just couldn't make myself relax. Barbie's just not my type, in that she annoys the hell out of me sometimes. But God help me if her quirks have started to become somehow…_adorable_ recently. Without me realizing he was still in the room, Turk came and sat across from me where Elliot had been sleeping.

"You got it bad, huh Big Guy?" Even though I could tell Turk was trying to be nice, I could still hear the mocking tone lurking in his voice.

I sneered up at him. "Once again, Ghandi: none of your business." Turk just laughed at my remark. Why he wasn't scared of me was beyond me. Maybe Carla pumped his head full of compliments of him being big and strong. That seemed very likely. She wasn't scared of me either, so maybe she had something to do with his bravery. Giving up on being the scary one, I just sighed dejectedly. "Tell me, why it is women can get so under your skin, Ghandi."

Once again I received a laugh at my turmoil. "That's just how they are, man, and you know that. Would you really want them to be any other way?" I felt that his question was rhetorical, but I still shook my head no.

I thought about it. Barbie was annoying usually, but I wouldn't have noticed her any other way. When I first met her, I just categorized her as a weak pushover who wouldn't cause me any problems. But she has proven otherwise. I felt a surge of heat go through me as I thought of what just went down on the bed I was sitting on. This had to be continued. I just couldn't let this chemistry go to waste. How often do you really come across someone who makes your heart thump just the right rhythm?

While I was thinking, Turk had lain down and closed his eyes. I patted him on the shoulder sincerely when I stood up to go. "Thanks, Ghandi."

"No problem, Per." I gritted my teeth at the shortening of my name and wrenched the door open a tad too forcefully.

****

Alright. Elliot is standing right over there, chatting with Carla seriously. A thought flitted through my head that I should consider later. _Are they talking about what just happened?_ I brushed that aside and approached her.

"Barbie, I need to talk to you." At a look from Carla that can only be described as incredulous, I amended my statement. "I need to talk to you about your patient over there." I nodded my head in a general direction. She acquiesced and followed me away from the desk. I led her to a supply closet, not wanting to have this conversation in front of inquiring people who would be sure to spread around any sort of gossip they deemed worthy.

I shepherded her into the supply closet and shut the door behind me. Automatically her lips were on mine; her body pressed me back up against the door. I have nothing wrong with strong, willful women. Hell, I married one and I fell in love with a nurse because she could always put me in my place; still can. So Elliot Reid forcing herself onto me was not something to be disappointed about.

But you can't call me passive, that's for damn sure. I turned her and pushed her back against the door, continuing the heated kiss. Why did we always have to start something in the hospital that we can't possibly continue? My pants were not happy about the strain I was putting on them.

I broke away breathlessly (but manly) from the kiss and looked at her, trying to slow my heart and the blood furiously rushing down south. "We can't keep doing this." At her crestfallen look I added, "We can't keep doing this here. I need to get you to my place."

She grinned mischievously. "And how do you propose to get me to your place?" I liked this coy act of hers. Never being one of her lovers I've not seen this side of her; it intrigued me.

"Are you suggesting I couldn't physically carry you to my place?" I asked as I heaved her body up the door and pinned her there. She squealed appreciatively.

"Oh, no, I'm sure you could. But I would be much happier if I were…wooed a little." I stopped short at that. I didn't even think of that. Of course that would be the next step, if you wanted something more with her, which I was pretty sure I did.

"And what would be the best way to "woo" you, Barbie?" I said this a bit gruffly, since I felt woo wasn't a word that a manly man like me should be saying.

"Dinner? Maybe a couple of drinks? You know, Perry, a _date_." She said this all with a sly grin on her face, and God help me, I found that adorable. I may be feeling all these things about her, but I sure as hell wasn't going to tell her anytime soon. That's how I kept my reputation around here. I kept a steady outpouring of insults and degradation and any sort of fuzzy feelings I had, I kept to myself; no way I was spilling anything to Elliot, considering we might not work out (call me a pessimist).

I nodded and slid her down the door, making sure she knew how difficult it was on me to let this situation go. She gasped a little which made me smile. She made her eyes flutter open to look at me. "Tomorrow night? I get off work at 4 tomorrow, so I'll be ready to go for dinner."

"Alright. I'll swing by your place and pick you up at 5." We stood there, looking at each other.

"You gonna tell me what we're doing?" Elliot asked, and she actually batted her eyelashes. I leaned forward and kissed those eyelashes.

"Not a chance." I breathed. Man. The effect she had on me. I was actually softening. _Not_ good. I kissed her softly on the lips and opened the door, stepping out first. I didn't look behind me to see if she came out immediately after, but it seemed everyone in this hospital should know about us by now; apparently I'm not very subtle.

Now I definitely had something to look forward to, even if I didn't want to admit it out loud. I hit the showers and got ready to go home. I'm not sure when Elliot's shift ends, but I decided to not think about her until I saw her tomorrow. Fat chance of that happening.

****

I made it back to my apartment, managing to only think of Elliot every time I stopped. Or drove. Let's face it; I couldn't get her off my mind. I subconsciously licked my lips thinking of our multiple encounters today. Mm, I couldn't wait to get her back to my place.

Wait. My place. Jordan. Damn it. She should still be away at her mother's so maybe I had a couple of days to think about this. And to have the apartment for me and Elliot…I unlocked the door to my apartment and was hoping for silence.

"Hi Perry. Welcome home." Shit. Jordan was sitting on the couch watching television while Jack was playing on the floor with some of his toys.

"Daddy!" Jack yelled, running towards me with his arms already open. I scooped him up and gave him a big kiss, so happy to see him. It didn't matter how long you were away from your kids; you always missed them.

"Have you had dinner, already, Jacky?" I asked, setting him down with a hair tussle.

"Yes, but mommy burnt it and it tasted bad so I threw it on the ground." I grinned at Jordan.

"Safe to say he's been a handful today?"

"Isn't he always?" Jordan had turned off the television. I think she actually sensed something coming from me. "Hey Jack, why don't you go play in your room? Daddy and I need to have a talk."

I swear Jack shot me a look that said "I'm sorry" before he shot off to his room. Coward. I would face her; even if I was trembling slightly.

"You haven't insulted me once since you've gotten home. What's going on?" Jordan scowled, her plastic face contorting in something resembling a frown.

I laughed nervously. "Geeze, Jordan, I've only been home for two minutes. Gimme a minute, okay?" Her frown didn't abate any. If possible, she frowned even more.

"Alright, now you're starting to worry me."

I ignored that and posed a question at her instead. "You're back early from your mother's. That was a very short trip."

"It seems I can only take a small amount of my mom at a time. She can be a real bitch when she wants to be." Jordan said this with a blank expression. If Jordan had a talent, it was to be passionless while insulting. I hadn't mastered that.

I made a sound and moved to the liquor cabinet, my usual escape route from Jordan.

"Ah." She said quietly, making me turn around to face her questioningly. "Your crush. Not so small, I take it?" Okay. Here it was. I was going to have to face this sooner or later, and I guess it was going to be sooner.

"No." I said, equally quiet.

"So you gonna take her on a big date, hm? Is she too classy to just hop in bed with you? Need to wine and dine her first?" Jordan sneered, bordering on the loud side. I walked over to Jack's door and shut it.

"I'm not going to get into this with you, Jordan. You and I have been good lately, we've had fun. We have Jack. But we have to face what it means if I have this-this crush…" I trailed off, wanting desperately not to let this escalade into a huge blowout. Jack didn't need to hear what we were arguing about. Especially if we were breaking up. Possibly for good.

She scoffed scornfully and when her eyes met mine they were blazing with heat. "It means that you are weak. Weak and not worth my time." She spat. I tried not to let this fan my temper, but I could feel the sparks catching on.

"_I'm_ weak?? Should I point out you came running back to me from your mother's in record time?" Low blow but I couldn't think of anything else to throw at her. I was intent on not letting this get too out of control.

"Alright, Perry. I'll just get out of your hair so you and your little whore can have the apartment together for your 'big date'." I flinched. I didn't like her referring to Elliot as that, but she didn't know that's who I was taking out and I could see that Jordan was hurting. Like this was easy for me.

****

She had a suitcase packed in record time for herself and Jack. I could see she wasn't going to let me keep Jack while she was fuming.

"And to think I was going to put my apartment up for sale next week." She said coldly with a mean smile plastered on her face, probably for Jack's benefit. It certainly wasn't for mine. "I'll call you later about Jack." She wouldn't have thrown this in if she didn't know Jack would want to see me soon. It took a lot of effort to even speak to me, because she wasn't looking at me.

I gave Jack a kiss bye and shut the door a little melancholy. The apartment was big and empty. And quiet. I wasn't used to this. Without hesitation, I picked up my keys and left. The bar sounded like a good place to be right now.


	6. My Bottle of Scotch

Wow, has it really been almost two years since I've written more for this story? I'm so sorry! I've been meaning to update this story for some time, but I wanted to read through the other chapters to get a feel for it before I wrote another installment. Okay, I know this chapter is kind of short, and might not be as good as the other ones, but forgive me for my rustiness; I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. I'll try and write another one for you guys soon!

-Ashley

Chapter 6

"Scotch. Straight up." Joe sat the glass down in front of me with a smile. I took the glass and shot the whole drink back, not bothering to thank him.

"Another." I was having a pretty bad night, so that meant everyone else around me would as well. I heard the stool beside me scrape as it was being pulled out. I looked to the right of me and swore loudly.

"Seriously, Newbie, I am not in the mood for this right now." J.D. sat down beside me and motioned to the bartender.

"I'll have what he's having." J.D. said to Joe. I looked at him questioningly and thought about asking if he took his Man pills today, but as the thought was forming, a green, fruity looking drink was sat down in front of him in a martini glass. Of course.

"It's a little joke me and Joe have. I ask for whatever the guy beside me is having, just to start up a conversation, right? But he knows it's always Appletini time for me." J.D. took a delicate sip of his drink and smacked his lips appreciatively. "Top notch, Joe!" Joe rolled his eyes and walked away.

"I came by for a drink with Carla and Turk, but it looks like they might have blown me off for some alone time; as if they don't get enough alone time already. In their room, on the couch, in the kitchen, on my bed-"

"I'm gonna stop ya right there, Newbie. When I said I wasn't in the mood for this right now, I meant get the hell out." I shoot back my third glass that Joe filled for me automatically. Good man, that Joe. My harsh tone and words didn't seem to daunt J.D. in the least bit. He took another sip of his drink, sat it down, and then slowly turned to look at me.

"Perry, since we are colleagues, I think you and I should be able to talk equally about our feelings. And then hug after. Or hug first, whichever way you want to do this." At the look of murder boiling in my eyes, J.D. grabbed his drink and quickly walked away from me. "We'll finish this conversation later!" J.D. yelled over his retreating shoulder.

Finally, some peace and quiet with just me and my scotch. I look up to Joe and see him coming towards me with the bottle. "It'll save you some work if you just leave the bottle with me, Joe." He smiled sadly and sat the bottle down beside my empty glass.

What a mess. This thing with Elliot was supposed to be nothing but a fantasy, not something to actually be acted on. And Jordan and I were happy. We had Jack, we had our fights and we were happily divorced. Why would I go and mess that up? I am attracted to Elliot, and I think she's got some real potential as a doctor at Sacred Heart, which is always a good mark in my book. But she's chipper. And shrill. And from what I could see from her and Newbie's relationship, she's emotional. SO not my cup of tea. Or scotch, I should say. So not my cup of scotch. Speaking of scotch…I shot back another glass.

Still deep in my thoughts about the mess I've made, I don't hear the chair scraping back again. A delicate hand reaches out to take the shot glass from mine. I snap my head up, ready to chew out whatever incredibly stupid person thought taking my glass would be a good idea, to see Elliot. God she's beautiful. I watch her wordlessly pour a shot of scotch into the aforementioned glass and throw it back like it was water. She grimaces and wipes the back of her hand across her mouth.

"I don't think you've ever been more beautiful." Slips out of my mouth, amazed at the woman beside me who so recently seemed that she couldn't get it together. She smiled and leaned in to place the glass back by my hand.

"You haven't seen me drink whiskey, then." My mouth drops open again and she giggles appreciatively. "So what're we celebrating here?" Elliot asks, motioning toward the bottle of scotch and glass.

I sighed, remembering now why I was drinking. "Not celebrating, Barbie." Her eyebrows quirk upward, a questioning look on her face. I look down at my glass, not wanting to think about what happened, much less talk about it. "Jordan left tonight. She packed up and took Jack with her." Why was I telling her this? I should just keep my mouth shut and keep drinking. No need to bring Barbie in on my problems; it was my business, not hers.

"Perry, I'm so sorry. What happened?" Elliot placed her hand on my arm and that was it. I couldn't do this. I am not what she wants and she is not what I want. It was a stupid mistake and I needed to rectify it. I throw down some bills to pay for the bottle and stand up.

"Not important, Barbie." I walk past her without looking down and keep walking until I'm outside, on my way to my car. I get to my car and stop, hands over my face. Back to my lonely, big apartment. God I don't know if I can do this. As I'm thinking this arms snake their way across my stomach from behind me. I drop my hands, embarrassed that someone saw me looking so…vulnerable.

I turn around in the pair of arms encircling me to find it's Barbie, and I find my thoughts are changing from what they were just mere moments ago. I don't want to be alone tonight and it seems that I don't want to forget about her. I don't want to call this off; all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and kiss her for all I'm worth. So that's what I do.

Standing in the parking lot of a bar where most of Sacred Heart's employees frequent, I kiss another doctor passionately and I don't care. I pull back from her, to find her face slack and her eyes still closed. I smile to myself proudly.

Her eyes fluttered open and she fixed me with those beautiful eyes of hers and opens her full, slightly red lips and said, "Come back to my place with me." I don't think I've ever heard a more perfect sentence.


	7. Their Car Ride

Yay another update! Enjoy, comment, rate, all that good stuff

Chapter 7

"Yes ma'am." I said breathlessly as Elliot walked around to the passenger side of my car and waited for me to unlock it. We stand there looking at each other. Lightning flashed in her eyes and I swear I heard a distant rumble of thunder…

"Perry?" Elliot snapped me out of my daze and her lips twitched on the side to a half smile. "Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, if you're not sure, we can just…" Her smile started to falter and I cut her off immediately by unlocking my door and stepping in; I reach over and unlock her door as soon as I'm in the car.

"Get in, Barbie." I said gruffly, and she quickly acquiesced. I started the car and tried to control myself and not fly out of the parking lot like I want to; or just pull over and get this started right here and now. _No, Perry. Do this right. Treat her the way she deserves to be treated._ Oh god, my inner thoughts are getting mushy now? Best not to think about that. Let the scotch dull those senses and just get her back to your place. Now.

Her hand snaked her way into mine, and she started to gently circle her finger around my palm. Just that small motion makes me bite back a moan; it's funny how the smallest things can rev your engine. My thoughts continue racing around but I work at keeping them in the back and not letting them become fully formed. _Her finger, it's so slender and so soft. I bet her body is exactly the same…_My foot automatically pressed down harder on the gas pedal at that thought.

There are no words spoken between us during the ride, but the air is thick with an excitement and expectation. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Barbie was just excited about this as I was. That little thought sent my heart racing even faster. I'm too old for this; when _was_ the last time I was so excited about a woman? I've always been intrigued here and there by women—and god knows I was crazy about Jordan when we first divorced—but this was different. This was a new experience with a woman that I might potentially…gulp…_like. _

Ignoring Elliot's invitation to her place, I head straight for mine. It's closer. And right on queue I pull up in front of my apartment. Without a word, we both step out of my car and meet up at the hood. We link hands and head for my door. Together, hand in hand, Elliot and I step forward into a room where we have no idea what to expect. Tomorrow I will think about what everything means, or yell at her for taking advantage of me when I was in a vulnerable state. But tonight, tonight we are going to dive in head first and see where it takes us.

I unlock my door and before it's even shut behind us, I slam Elliot against it and begin to kiss her. I swallow the squeal of surprise that slips out of her mouth as soon as her back hits the door and she began to kiss back then. This passion that stole over me, it stole my breath and sent my head reeling back to gulp in air. My eyes locked on Elliot's and lightning flashed again. I felt that bolt of lightning shoot straight to my core and something broke loose. It felt as if a dam that was holding back…what?...anger…or passion…whatever it was, it burst forth and dragged me under the current with the force.

Elliot gasped, "Perry—what just happened?" _Did she feel it too?_ My response was an incoherent grunt as I yanked her button down shirt apart and buttons went skittering across the entrance to my apartment. Elliot moaned and that almost sent me over the edge. I picked her up and carried her to my room. I needed a bed for this.

My mouth was on hers even before her back made contact with the mattress. I wanted to devour her; I couldn't get close enough to her. "Too many clothes…" I mumbled as I pulled my own shirt off. Skin to skin is what I needed, what I desperately craved right now. This wave of emotions that broke free seemed to need something to feed it. It had been so long since it had been fed and it was _hungry_. Love. It wanted love. And passion. And what Elliot gave me ignited my hunger even more; it just fed the flames.

I let the waves pull me under and prayed I would drown and die a happy man tonight. Be careful what you wish for…

I know, I know, a cliffhanger is very tricky if you're not sure when you'll be able to write the next installment, but this story is going somewhere fun, so I'll write another soon, I promise!


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